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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23190847">Would You Come Back For Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andrin_rin/pseuds/Andrin_rin'>Andrin_rin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who &amp; Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Happy Ending, Headcanon, Hurt Missy, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Missy, Kissing, The Doctor is Hurt (Doctor Who), The Doctor takes care of her, The Master(Dhawan) comes before Missy, Thirteen comes back for Missy, healing together, soft, the Tardis is great and we don't deserve her</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:09:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,741</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23190847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andrin_rin/pseuds/Andrin_rin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Master, who is about to regenerate into Missy, visits the Doctor one last time before he leaves, to tell her, that Missy was left to die on the mondasian colony ship after he shot herself. </p><p>The Doctor decides to go back for her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background Thirteenth Doctor/Master(Dhawan), The Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor/Missy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>143</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I have the head canon that the Dhawan Master actually comes before Missy and wanted to write about it. </p><p>This is the result ;)</p><p>Although the first chapter is with the Dhawan!Master this is mainly Thirteen/Missy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Doctor just couldn’t help herself. It took her less than a month, after she’d gotten out of the Judoon prison, till she’d given in and gone back. After everything that had happened, she’d told herself she would never again return to Gallifrey. Nothing good could come of it, she knew. There was nothing, absolutely nothing waiting for her there. Not anymore.</p><p>And that was why she had told herself that, under no circumstances, she would go back. No she was done with that part of herself. Done with that part of her life.</p><p> </p><p>Still. Here she was. It felt oddly familiar, in a way that made her feel sick. The Doctor wished it wouldn’t. Wished it wouldn’t all feel so horrifyingly familiar. Standing in the ruins of Gallifrey, standing in the ruins of her home. Too often had she looked down at the Citadel, down at the city,from this exact place. Nothing but ashes and dust left of what had once been her home. Her hearts ached at the sight and she wanted nothing more than to just turn around, to just go back into her Tardis and take off. But she couldn’t.</p><p> </p><p>She hadn’t been able to hold herself back from coming here in the first place and she couldn’t bring herself to turn around and leave now.</p><p> </p><p><em>Why had she come here.</em> </p><p> </p><p>Why couldn’t she just allow herself to leave it all behind and forget. Why was it so hard for her to leave it alone. Why did she keep sabotaging herself like this, stopping herself from finally healing.</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t even really know why she had decided to return to this place. To reassure herself that the Cyber-Masters really were all gone? To reassure herself that her plan had worked? To reassure herself that the Master was actually gone this time?</p><p> </p><p>Had she <em>really</em> thought visiting here would finally bring her closure? That hadn’t worked the last time she had done this. Who was she even kidding, it hadn’t worked the first time either.</p><p> </p><p>But the Doctor just had been thinking about it again and again. In between every conversation she had. In between every adventure and every planet she visited to try and distract herself.</p><p>Every second of every minute filled with thoughts about Gallifrey. Filled with thoughts about the Master. Filled with thoughts about the Masters last words before she had run. Before she’d left him.</p><p>And just as she hadn’t been able to keep herself from thinking, she hadn’t been able to keep herself from coming. One more sleepless night, after weeks filled with nights spent tinkering with the Tardis circuits, was all it had taken and she’d found herself typing in the coordinates.</p><p> </p><p>She just had to make <em>sure.</em></p><p> </p><p>Make absolutely sure once and for all that it was over.</p><p> </p><p>That it wouldn’t come back to haunt her one day.</p><p> </p><p>So she could finally allow herself to rest.</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor wasn’t even entirely sure what she wanted to find here. Sure she wanted to make sure the Cyber-Masters had all been wiped out. Had to make sure the universe would be safe from them. And then she also wanted to make sure that the Master was-</p><p> </p><p>That the Master was what?</p><p> </p><p>Dead?</p><p> </p><p>Was that really what she wanted? The Master, dead once and for all? To finally triumph over her arch-enemy? That didn’t feel like winning. It felt like loosing.</p><p> </p><p>It felt like loosing everything she’d once cared about. Once. A long time ago.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Once.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Once she would have done <em>everything</em> in her power to save the Master. To bring him back to her. Had wanted nothing more that to be friends with him again. Or well. Her. She had tried so hard with Missy. <em>Had tried so hard</em>. And she had really thought, that it had been working, that she’d been breaking through to her.</p><p> </p><p>Had thought that <em>for once</em> she’d <em>actually</em> had a chance to get her friend back. Had thought she’d finally gotten back the person she’d once loved most in the universe. The person a part of her had never stopped loving.</p><p> </p><p>But then <em>he</em> had to come along ruin it. Like he ruined everything. Her current Master. The one Missy had apparently chosen to become. And the Doctor started thinking, that maybe there’d never been a chance for them at all that maybe, this just was who they were. And that nothing between her and Missy had been real. That she’d <em>really</em> just been a sentimental old fool, too blinded by old love, too needy for friendship. Too lonely. She’d begun thinking that there wasn’t any hope left for them and <em>that</em> had been the most painful thing of it all.</p><p> </p><p>Never before had she lost hope. Not when it was Koschei. <em>Never when it was Koschei</em>. Not after he’d caused her to regenerate at Jodrell Bank, not when he’d started destroying earth during the year-that-never-was and not when he’d taken Bill from him. Even after that, the Doctor still had tried to convince Missy to stand with her. Still had believed there was a chance for them to fix them.</p><p> </p><p>But it had all been for nothing. Missy had gone with the Master. She’d gone for good and then later when the Master showed up again - once again a man - he’d acted as if all those years in the vault and all their talks in the months had mattered nothing. As if all the process they had made had meant nothing to him. Back to zero. Back to taking and burning and destroying everything she care about. It had broken the Doctors hearts.</p><p> </p><p>And she’d started to loose hope.</p><p> </p><p>And now. He was dead.</p><p> </p><p>Supposedly.</p><p> </p><p>Should she be happy about that? Should she be relieved? She didn’t know what she was feeling. But she was pretty sure that it wasn’t happiness. Maybe it actually was relief. Some sick twisted form of relief.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Why had she come here.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nothing good would come of it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>„Hello, love.“</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>„Knew you’d come back here.“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor froze, when she heard the voice behind her. It couldn’t be. No. He couldn’t be. <em>He couldn’t be. </em>Hearts beating unbelievably fast in her chest<em>, s</em>lowly she started to turn around.</p><p> </p><p>And there he was. </p><p> </p><p>Just standing there. Leaning against his Tardis which had landed next to hers without her noticing. </p><p> </p><p>„I knew you couldn’t resist coming back.“ He grinned and she was sure that hearts actually stopped for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>He looked older. Maybe not physically. But there just was something about him that made him appear older than he did the last time. Or at least…<em>different</em>.Maybe it was the look in his eyes. They weren’t burning the way they had been that last time. Or the times before. She wondered how long it had been for him since. Since…since <em>then</em>.</p><p> </p><p>„I thought you died.“ Her throat felt too dry to get the words out properly. </p><p> </p><p>„Sorry to disappoint, love.“</p><p> </p><p>Why did he have to make this so hard for her. Just show up like that again. If she wouldn’t still be frozen to the spot, her hearts beating at an unhealthy speed, she’d run over to him. What she would do <em>then,</em> she didn’t know. It varied from kissing him, to murdering him for good this time. Both options seemed like a very bad idea. So it was probably for the better, that she still couldn’t bring herself to move.</p><p> </p><p>„Should have known you’d get out of there somehow. You always do.“</p><p> </p><p>„Ah yes. I am like that.“ He didn’t sound quite right. Like he had to press every word out, like it was causing him pain to speak. Even though he was trying hide it.</p><p> </p><p>Something about him was off. Something was wrong.</p><p>She forced herself to really look at him. He had trouble holding himself up. It was there, in his posture, when she was really looking, she could see him fighting against it. There was something <em>just underneath</em>. Just underneath the facade he was showing her and she didn’t-</p><p>And then she knew.</p><p> </p><p>„You’re dying“</p><p> </p><p>„Ah yes.“ He grinned and now she could see the blood on his teeth. „About that.“ He waschocking up blood before he could continue, his posture crumbling, so he had to lean against his Tardis doors, to avoid falling over. „I thought…You’d like to see me.. one more time… before I go.“</p><p> </p><p>For a second she wanted to run over to him to help him up, help him back into one of their Tardises, but she resisted the urge. Didn’t move from where she was standing. </p><p> </p><p>„Why would you think I’d want that?“</p><p> </p><p>„Because love,…I have one last thing to ask of you. A dying mans wish if you’d like.“</p><p> </p><p>„Why. Just <em>why</em> would you think I’d do anything for you! After all you’ve done! Why-“ she had to stop as she can’t keep herself from starting to cry. There were tears starting to stream down her face now, and she was just so angry again. <em>Stars,</em> was she <em>tired</em> of being angry. Just so <em>tired</em>.</p><p>Really she just wanted to go to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>She couldn't even bare to look at him. Why did he have to show up here again, just acting as if everything he did to her, everything he tried to do to her, just didn’t matter. There was nothing in her left to give, and she just wanted him to leave.</p><p> </p><p>But she also wanted him to stay.</p><p> </p><p>„I think we have a mutual interest in this matter. Just <em>listen,</em> will you? As I’m a bit short on time and all that.“ He holds up one of his hands and there’s regeneration energy, she didn’t notice before, building beneath his skin.</p><p> </p><p>„Oh“ she says, and feels an odd wave of relief. „I wasn’t sure you had any left“ she sniffs sounding absolutely miserable and hates herself for it.</p><p> </p><p>„Don’t worry, love, you won’t get rid of me this easily.“</p><p> </p><p>„What even- I thought the death particle got you. How did you…“</p><p> </p><p>„You seriously didn’t think I’d have a way out? Didn’t think I had a plan B? <em>Oh</em> <em>Please</em>, Doctor. I had a Tardis positioned just around the corner. Got to it just in time.“</p><p> </p><p>„But then what’s-“</p><p> </p><p>„Then what is killing me? Well…you know… The Cyberium wasn’t all too happy about me screwing up the plan and loosing the entire cyber army. And after a while it started to act out. Tried to assimilate me. Ripped it out, though, when it did that. May have ripped out a few vital organs in the process unfortunately. You know how it goes.“ His laugh sounded bitter this time.</p><p> </p><p>Then he suddenly looked serious again, his eyes searching hers.„Listen Doctor, just listen. Believe me you need to hear this.“ He got interrupted by another cough. „There is…there is a woman…theres a woman on a mondasian colony ship-“</p><p> </p><p>At that the Doctor took a step into his direction opening her moth to stop him from saying anything. She doesn’t know if she’s strong enough to hear him talk about Missy. To hear him talk about how he destroyed her, by abandoning what he had been when he had been Missy. Destroyed everything she had meant to the Doctor.</p><p> </p><p>„Shhh“ he interrupted her doubling over. „Just…“ his voice sounds wet with blood and everywhere under his skin regeneration energy tries to break through. „Just…just let me finish. Let me finish. You need to hear this.“</p><p>She didn’t want to. She wanted to scream at him, push him against the Tardis till he stopped taking. But she did none of those things. Instead she took a slow step closer and stayed quiet so he could talk.</p><p> </p><p>„There is a woman…On that spaceship.“ He continued through the blood. „She’s dying. Because she stabbed me in the back. So I did the same. Returned the favor with my laser screwdriver. Listen Doctor. I’m going to be her in a few minutes and I’d really like to not die on that damned spaceship <em>again</em>. Did that once, didn’t enjoy it too much. So I think, it would really be in both our best interest, if you’d come for her. Because…“ he laughed a raspy laugh. „Because…believe me I made sure I would not get out of that situation myself. And if I remember correctly. You <em>were</em> quite fond of her“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctors hearts froze in her chest. What did he just say.</p><p> </p><p>I’m going to be her in a few minutes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’m going to be her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Some part of her brain was processing the information, he had just gieven her. Some part of her brain was working on on it in high speed, trying to put all the little puzzle pieces together. Trying to see the whole picture. How did she <em>miss </em>this. How did she not see this any sooner.</p><p> </p><p>Why had she never even considered it to be a possibility.</p><p> </p><p>Time <em>isn’t</em> a straight line.</p><p> </p><p>She knows this. She has been telling her friends this, been explaining it to them for centuries. <em>It’s all big ball of wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey stuff</em>. Why had she just assumed her life to follow a line then. That just wasn’t how things <em>were.</em> Especially not for <em>them</em>.</p><p>She tried to wrap her head around what this meant. Because it changed <em>everything</em>. Because it meant he hadn't betrayed the trust she had placed in Missy. How could he. He hadn't even lived Missy’s life yet. All that was still in his future. All that hope she'd had for their friendship, for their love and trust, all that, it hadn't been destroyed it was still in their future. </p><p> </p><p>It meant that there was hope.</p><p> </p><p>„Are you listening? Doctor? <em>Doctor!</em>“</p><p> </p><p>That made her snap out of it. „I’m listening. I- yes I got what you said. Sorry it’s just…I didn’t know- I thought…I thought you were <em>after</em>. After Missy, I mean. But you’re…you’re not and I-“</p><p> </p><p>„Why, <em>by the othering Other</em>, would you think that?“</p><p> </p><p>„Ehhh I don’t know I didn’t really think-“</p><p> </p><p>„I can see that. <em>Really</em> Doctor. I am offended. To think I would-“ he didn’t finish instead crumbled over in pain, obviously trying to hold of the regeneration energy. The Doctor knew the way it hurt holding off death like that. She had done it often enough in her lives. „Can’t say…can’t say I’m really looking forward to it. To what she will be. But I decided I’d like to live on nonetheless. At the very least. I thought…you deserved to know…what happened to her.“</p><p> </p><p>„I don’t know if-“</p><p> </p><p>„Shhh…don’t…don’t tell me. Don’t tell me what you will do. Just take the information and do with it what you need. I just came here to tell you. You don’t owe me. Not after everything. I see that now.“ She couldn’t quite tell if he was choking or laughing. „Well look at this. Who would have thought…dying would make me so…so sentimental.“</p><p> </p><p>And then, their eyes met one last time and there was an odd sadness there, a resignation that didn’t quite look right on his face. It made her want to reach out to him more that she had wanted to in a very long time. Because what he just told her, changed everything. Now she could hope for them again. But that was a thought that also scared her. To let herself hope again, after all this time, also meant she could be hurt again. And she was so sick of being hurt. Sick of loosing hope again and again.</p><p> </p><p>He stood in his Tardis now, doors open. Ain his eyes she could see that he, too, wanted to reach out for her. But he didn’t.</p><p> </p><p>„Good bye, Doctor“ and then, the doors closed and his Tardis was gone.</p><p> </p><p>And he was gone too.</p><p> </p><p>The doctor cried for him. Hehad brought her so much pain in this life, but there were still too many feelings and emotions in the way, to not cry.She didn’t have it in herself to not cry. And in a way she knew, it wouldn’t feel quite right not to cry for him. He was a part of her life like any other version for him.</p><p>Like every version of him <em>will</em> be.</p><p> </p><p>So she allowed herself to cry.</p><p> </p><p>Because this time, <em>this time</em>, she knew that there was hope.</p><p>She knew, this time, she wouldn’t be left alone. And she won’t let him be alone either. No. She won’t let missy die alone on that ship.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She was going to save her.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>There was hope.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really hope you enjoyed this so far ;)</p><p>Comments and feedback are highly appreciated xD</p><p>Hope you are exited for Missy to finally appear in the second chapter! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>The Doctor had thought about her last conversation with the Master a lot. After he’d taken off. Had just stood there next to the Tardis console, engines ready for take-off and thought about what he had told her. Just stood there and thought about the fact, that she was about to save Missy. Had just thought about it before she’d actually done anything.</p><p>When she had entered her Tardis, after Gallifrey, she had been ready to go off to the mondasian colony ship immediately. No stopping in between, not even a quick jump into the time vortex. Just had run right inside her Tardis, typed in the coordinates and then she had her hand on the lever ready for take-off.</p><p> </p><p>But she hadn’t actually pulled it. Couldn’t do it. What was <em>wrong</em> with her.</p><p> </p><p>Truth was she was scared. Scared of getting her hopes up for nothing. Like so often in her life. This was all she had. And she wouldn’t be able to deal with the rain if this was taken away from her too.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>When had she started to be scared of hope.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Right now, the possibility of Missy having survived, of Missy waiting for her on that ship, was nothing more than that. A possibility. A dream she could think of to give herself hope. But pulling this leaver would mean that it would either come true or that…well…That it didn’t. That it had all just been another lie. Another step in the game the Master was playing with her.</p><p> </p><p>And then she would have nothing left.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere deep inside, there was a part of the Doctor that kept screaming at her that she should just forget about it. This was the Master after all. And all the Master had been doing for century after century, was hurting her. Betraying her. Lying to her. At least she’d thought so. And she was still hurting because of it. But of course, if Missy really…</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor couldn’t keep that small part of herself, that was still wounded by what he’d done to her after she’d thought she was finally breaking though to him, quiet.Couldn’t stop it from telling her that this could be a trap. That he could have been lying. That all he ever did was <em>lie</em>.</p><p> </p><p>When had it all gone so terribly wrong between them. When had the trust between them been so utterly and completely destroy.</p><p> </p><p>And when had her hope for him crumbled away like this.</p><p> </p><p>But even <em>if</em>. Even if there was the chance that he’d been lying to her. That it had all just been some new <em>cruel</em> ploy he’d thought up to hurt her. Even if. It wasn’t reality at the moment. There was still a chance for her. For them.</p><p>And wasn’t that everything the Doctor had ever needed?Wasn’t that what she had been going on all her lives. Tiny chances. Probabilities. No matter how improbable something had been, it had always meant that there was hope. And that had meant she could make it possible. No matter what. No matter how improbable.</p><p><em>One chance in a thousand</em>.<em> One chance in a thousand. That's all you need.</em></p><p> </p><p>Just one chance. Just hope.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You have one chance in a thousand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Here’s what you do.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You forget about the thousand. Focus on the one.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She pulled the leaver down. And the engines whirred to life and took her through the vortex.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When the Doctor stepped outside the Tardis, the air on deck 0507 wasn’t yet ashy and filled with smoke as it had been, when she’d last been be here. All that hadn’t yet happened it still was in the future. There were explosions in the far distance, that slowly kept coming closer but they wouldn’t be here for some time.</p><p> </p><p>The last time she’d been here.</p><p> </p><p>The last time she'd been here she had died. Well. Not died, yet. She’d put her regeneration off for quite some time that time around. She had been dying though.</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor lifted her head and looked up to the ceiling, with its unreal looking blueness up above the floor. No stars. Just a technical sky, simulating day and night, with the number of the floor showing in big industrial looking numbers. Nothing more to it. No depth you could loose yourself in, the way you could looking at a real sky.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I hoped there’d be stars.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Inhaling the air and the smell of metal and ozone and fresh grass brought back more memories about the time she had spent here. Memories of the time she’d been all Scottish and old and angry eyebrows. Of a time traveling with Bill and Nardole.</p><p>It brought back memories of how this place, these fields and woods wouldn’t smell of grass much longer, but fire and smoke and ash. Brought back memories she’d rather not think about, for they were filled with too much pain and loss and disappointment.</p><p>Memories filled with silver and fire. And filled with tears.</p><p> </p><p>She had lost Bill here. Hadn’t lost her immediately when she'd been shot. No. It had been worse than that. A slow process. And she hadn’t given up hope for a long time. Even though she’d known that there was little to no chance for Bill to make it out of the situation happy and healthy, she’d held on to the thought, that as long as Bill was still talking, still present, it could still somehow be <em>fixed</em>. Of course the Doctor had been wrong about that. Had realized that himself very soon.</p><p> </p><p>Watching Bill realize what was happening to her, though - seeing her realize what was <em>going to</em> happen - had been the worst of it. Watching her realize that there was nothing the Doctor could <em>do</em> to fix it. That he couldn’t keep his promise. That had broken his hearts.</p><p> </p><p>But Bill hadn’t been the only person the Doctor had lost here. She had lost Missy here too. The moment she had turned around to leave with the Master. When she’d left the Doctor standing there, letting him think the person he’d allowed himself to love again was gone.</p><p> </p><p>Or so he’d thought for a long time.</p><p> </p><p>For while she’d thought to have lost two of the people she loved here. Bill had been saved not too long after. And that had really helped the Doctor along a lot. Had given him the energy to keep going. And <em>now</em> she was going to save the other one too. Was going to save Missy too.</p><p> </p><p>The Tardis had landed just far away enough from both the farm and the lifts as to not alarm anyone, who might be at one of the two locations or somewhere in-between. The time of her landing had been set for the time the Doctor had tried to convince Missy to stand with him, had pleaded for her to <em>just please</em> stay with him. Missy and the Master should be on their way to the lifts by now.</p><p> </p><p>So the Doctor set off into their direction.</p><p> </p><p>She’d done the calculations in her head, so that she should arrive at the place the Masters were heading shortly after them. Assuming the backstabbing she’d been told about took place in from of the lifts - which was the scenario that made most sense to the Doctor - her endeavor wouldn’t be too hard. The plan was to just wait for it to happen, for the Master to get into the lift and leave and her then being able to get Missy away from there without him noticing.</p><p> </p><p>Assuming it happened like that. Not like she’d gotten any accurate information from the Master and there were so many variables to consider. So much that could happen differently to what the Doctor was expecting and so much that could make all of this so much more difficult. At least if she really wanted to let it play out the way it was supposed to. Which she <em>really </em>should do. It was a very significant point in time, which meant she had to be careful with it.</p><p> </p><p>What she <em>would</em> do, in case they <em>both</em> got into the lift before anything happened, or in the case the Master chose to regenerate right here, right now, deciding to stay around while Missy was dying, she had no idea yet. She really hoped she wouldn’t have to make something up.</p><p> </p><p>When she wasn’t that far from the lifts anymore, the Doctor slowed down, now moving from tree to tree, to not be noticed. Then the lift doors were in her field of view. Crouched behind a tree she tried to get a good look at the scenery.</p><p> </p><p>As she glanced around one of the trees she realized that she wouldn’t get to see much of what had taken place.</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor had just arrived in time, to see the doors of the lift slide closed in front of the Master, who had collapsed to the floor of the lift. Then he was out of view and gone. The lift taking him farther down inside the space ship, probably to his Tardis, where he’d soon regenerate.</p><p> </p><p>Scrambling the Doctor left her spot of hiding, running over to the woman lying unconscious just a few feet away on the damp grass.</p><p> </p><p>Missy looked just how the Doctor had remembered her. Of course she did. For her no time at all had passed. She had just seen the Doctor a few minutes ago, when she had left him standing at the farm house as she’d gone with the Master.</p><p> </p><p>When the Doctor rolled Missy over onto her back her eyelids fluttered softly. Not yet opening completely. Her breath was concerningly shallow. Ragged tortured breaths only coming ever so often. When the Doctor checked her pulse she almost couldn’t even find it. Missy was only barely still clinging to life. But alive nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>Quickly she fumbled around inside her jacket to pull out a small ampoule. It was a temporary stabilizing shot, meant to give patients more time and to stabilize them till they could get proper medical care. It wasn’t strong enough to actually save Missy or help her in the long run but just enough to keep her alive until the Doctor could get her inside the Tardis medical bay. Or at least it should. Missy barely even flinched when the Doctor injected the colourless fluid. That worried her.</p><p> </p><p>„Hey.“ the Doctor brushed her hair away. „Stay with me okay. Yo gotta hold on for a few more minutes, okay? Just a few more minutes. Just stay with me, yes?“</p><p> </p><p>Missys eyes finally fluttered open. Blue eyes met green ones, but the Doctor wasn’t entirely sure she was seeing her. Her gaze was unfocused and shifting from spot to spot never staying in place.</p><p> </p><p>„You came.“ her voice barely more than a raspy whisper. „You came.“</p><p> </p><p>„Course I came you idiot.“</p><p> </p><p>„I wasn’t … wasn’t sure you would.“ The Doctor could hear it in her voice that every word caused her pain. There were droplet of sweat gathering on her forehead and she was slightly shivering.</p><p> </p><p><em>I wasn’t so sure I would either. </em>Words better left unsaid.</p><p> </p><p>„Shhhh.. it's okay. Just focus on staying with me, okay. Just keep holding on and I can fix this. I can fix you. I gave you a stabilizer but I have to get you into the Tardis. Just…just stay awake.“</p><p> </p><p>She slipped one of her arms underneath Missys shoulder blades the other one under her knees and then picked her up.</p><p> </p><p>„Hate to brake it to you, my dear, but it may be too late. Was nice seeing you one last time though. Appreciate the gesture.“</p><p> </p><p>„Shut up, you’re not dying. Th Tardis is nearby. If I can get you into the medical bay in time you will be just fine. Now shush it and stay alive till then, would you? Just don’t leave me?“</p><p> </p><p>„Oh Doctor! You’re saying such nice things! I should really get killed more often! Could get used to this.“</p><p> </p><p>„I’d really rather you didn’t.“</p><p> </p><p>„No need to get all bitchy again. So rude! After all, these may be our last few moments together, you should only be allowed to be nice. Say something nice again.“</p><p> </p><p>A few moment of quiet passed, the only sounds in the air were Missys ragged breathing, the Doctors footsteps on the grass and the faint grumbling of explosions in the distance.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Say something nice.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>„I missed you.“ The doctors voice was quiet, just loud enough that Missy must have heard.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>No reply.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>„Missy?“ Missys eyes were closed again, her breath hardly audible anymore.</p><p> </p><p>„Missy? Missy, listen to me, you have to stay awake, please just stay awake, okay? Don’t leave me now! Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare die on me again! Just… just hold on.“The Doctor sped up her steps, Missy steadily growing heavier in her arms, her legs started to give in under her and she felt sweat gathering on her own forehead. Her breaths much louder than Missy now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Please don’t leave me again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Don’t you dare dying on me again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>„Just hold on. The Tardis isn’t far. I’ll get you there.“</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You’ll be fine. I’ll fix this.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>When the blue of the Tardis finally came into view, she realized that there were tears streaming down her face. She had been glad to see her Tardis so many times in the past and this time the relief made her sob softly, as the Tardis opened her doors for them. Letting them inside.</p><p> </p><p>Missy still in her arms she walks past the console and flip a switch with her right elbow, ending the Tardis into flight into the vortex. After all she couldn’t let the trades stay market here on tis level, that would soon be nothing but fire and explosions. Drifting in the vortex they were save.</p><p> </p><p>They reached the medical bay just a few moment later, the Tardis helping them along the way, adjusting the gravity field so she barely even felt the weight of Missy’s body in her arms anymore, switching around the rooms so she didn’t even have to go down a complete corridor, till she stumbled through the door with the fading green moon printed onto it.</p><p> </p><p>Her beautiful, beautiful Tardis. The Doctor had the sudden urge to hug every piece of machinery that was huggable. The Tardis must have felt her distress through the mental link, must have felt her desperation. And despite also helping the Master in the process she’d decided to help the Doctor. When Missy would wake up again, she’d force her to thank the Tardis, that one was for sure. In her mind she sent out a quiet <em>thank you</em> to the Tardis herself.</p><p> </p><p>There wasn’t time for anything more than that, though. Quickly all of her thoughts focused on Missy again. Taking care of her came first now. Before thinking of doing anything else saving Missy came first. Missy who was still barely breathing.</p><p><em>Stars</em>, was she even still breathing? Yes. There it was. The shallow double pulse and even shallower breathing. Barely noticeable, but still there, nonetheless. A wave of relief washed over her.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Don’t you dare die on me now.</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>Don’t leave me again</em>.</p><p> </p><p>When Missy was finally laying down on one of the medical beds it all went very fast. Attaching her to the life support system, doing everything to make sure Missy was stabilized and that the Doctor would notice immediately if something was out of the ordinary. It must have been just in time, too, there had been no traces of that first stabilizer shot left in her blood. <em>Just in time</em>.</p><p> </p><p>After, the Doctor let herself fall onto the chair standing next to the bed. The events finally catching up with her. <em>She did it.</em> She <em>actually</em> did it. Had gone out there, without interrupting the timeline, without Missy dying before they reached the Tardis, without running into a trap. She actually had managed to get Missy out of there and to get her safe into the Tardis and under medical care.</p><p> </p><p>And now there was nothing to do but wait. Wait and hope. She had done everything in her power to stabilize Missy, now the rest was up to <em>her</em>. All she needed after she woke up was rest and proper nutrition. If the laser blast didn’t kill her in the first 15 minutes, the chances of survival would go up drastically. When she made it through that, she should be just fine after a while. Would be in need of extensive care and rest for a few more days maybe even weeks but still. She would be just fine.</p><p> </p><p>So Doctor continued to just sit there. Next to Missys bed. Listening to her breathing grow steadier by the minute and to beeping of the heart rate monitor by the bed. Every time she heard a slight deviation in the rhythm her hearts jumped a beat and it took her several minutes until she was feeling calm again. But non of the disturbances turned out to be an actual life threat. Missy just lay there, breathing steadily, hearths beating and so very, very alive. It was the longest quarter of an hour the Doctor had ever lived through, she thought, as she kept on listening. Kept on waiting.</p><p> </p><p>Waiting on another flutter of one of the hearts. Waiting for another hiccup in Missys breath. But after a short while both the rhythm of her breathing and her pulse kept consistent. Her life readings just fine. Steady.</p><p> </p><p>And then, as the fifteen minute mark eventually passed, she finally allowed herself to relax. Running her hands over her face, rubbing her eyes and wiping away the sweat from her forehead, she sunk back into the chair and let out a shaky breath.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Just one in a thousand.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She still couldn’t quite believe she’d made it. That she’d actually gotten Missy out of there, had actually saved her. A wave of exhaustion washed over her and she realized just how <em>tired</em> she really was. How much these last few weeks had actually impacted her. So very, very tired. Not just exhausted from meeting the Master and then coming for Missy and carrying her inside the Tardis. It wasn’t just that. She hadn’t slept properly in over five weeks. Hadn’t slept <em>at all</em> for <em>over a week</em>. At the very <em>least</em>. But it all seemed to catch up with her <em>now</em>.</p><p> </p><p>And then the last thing she heard were the beeping of the heart rate monitor and the soft humming of the Tardis around them.</p><p> </p><p>Then her mind drifted away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Missy opened her eyes and besides the blinding light right above her, for a few moments there was nothing but pain. Even breathing hurt. Every cell in her body felt sore and itchy in a very uncomfortable way.</p><p>She wanted to back to sleep. Yes, sleep would be nice. It had felt very nice before and she wanted it back. This current situation wasn’t very nice at all. Even <em>thinking</em> hurt, every part of her mind wanted nothing more than to just shut itself down again.</p><p>Wanted nothin more than to give into the sweet nothingness of sleep.</p><p> </p><p>But she forced herself to stay awake. Some part of her, mind or body or both, knew that it was important to <em>stay awake</em> now, hold onto consciousness. Knew that she couldn’t give in. Couldn’t allow herself to drift away again. Couldn’t allow her eyes to fall shut. And so she kept staring into the neon light above her till her eyes started to water and breathing didn’t hurt as much anymore.</p><p> </p><p>When she felt properly awake she allowed herself to shift her focus, letting her eyes wander across the room taking it in with all of her senses.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Bright cold light illuminated white walls that formed a decagon shaped room with one metal hospital bed on nine of the walls, each with life support systems besides them, one of which was occupied by Missy at the moment. It smelled of hand sanitizer and metal. This whole place, the setup, everything felt oddly familiar…Of course.</p><p> </p><p>The room clearly was…<em>clearly</em> was a Tardis medical bay. She was in a <em>Tardis</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Right. It was all coming back to her now. She’d been shot by himself. An it had hurt like a bitch. And she’d been dying. She was sure she’d been properly dying, not regenerating, but really properly dying for good now. But she clearly <em>hadn’t</em> died, so how…?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The Doctor.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor had been there with her, after she’d been shot, hadn’t he. No. Not <em>he</em>. <em>She</em>. She’d been with her. The Doctor that had come for her hadn’t been the rude white haired scotsman. No. She remembered blonde hair and green eyes. Still rude. Of course. It had been her Doctor from a regeneration ago, had been the Doctor she had visited right before she’d regenerated into…well into herself.</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes went to her right. And there she was. The Doctor. Asleep in the chair besides her. All blonde hair and silly clothing with trousers that didn’t even reach properly. Looking awfully tired. Her hair was an absolute mess.</p><p> </p><p>During her time with the other Doctor - her rude Scottish Doctor - she’d barely thought about this version of him. This version of the Doctor she’d met before Missy had been the current self. Hadn’t really thought too much about her.</p><p>She wasn’t entirely sure why that was. Guilt perhaps. Or maybe it had been something much more mundane. Maybe she just hadn’t been<em> able</em> to even remember her, because of their jumbled up time lines. Similar to the effect a perception filter would have. Her thoughts slipping off of everything that had to do with this version of the Doctor, until their timelines were matching up again.</p><p> </p><p>Just the way she’d always somehow still known, in some corner of her mind, what had happened on that mondasian spaceship even before she had been herself, but had only started to really <em>remember,</em> when it had all been already happening.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And here she was. Waiting for Missy to wakeup.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>She actually came back for her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>And now that both the Doctors and Missys timelines were in the right order again, it was all staring to clear up inside her mind. And she remembered now. That conversation on Gallifrey. When she’d been that Master and had decided to actually live and had realized that he’d destroyed that possibility for himself. Had asked the Doctor for one last favor.</p><p> </p><p>She remembered it all now. The Master hadn’t been sure the Doctor would actually do it, back then. When he’d gone to her and asked her for help. Because that what it had been. <em>Asking for help</em>. Hadn’t even been willing to admit that to himself. Had seen it more as a favor for the Doctor. Some sort of kindness he’d chose to give her.</p><p> </p><p>But it<em> had</em> been a request for help. And even if he hadn’t been sure the Doctor actually <em>would</em> help, he had just needed the possibility of it to actually go through with his regeneration.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And now here she was.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And the Doctor had actually come back for her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahhh I'm sorry there wasn't very much Doctor/Missy interaction, there's gonna be more of that in the next chapter. ;)</p><p>Hope you're all still enjoying the story so far &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The Doctor had actually come back for her, had actually saved her. She still hadn’t quite accepted that it had happened. It felt so unreal. Unreal but nice nonetheless. And now the Doctor was sitting here, next to Missy. Asleep by her hospital bed. It was kind of adorable, really. To think she hadn’t wanted to leave Missys side. Or maybe that wasn’t it at all. It was a horrible thought, but maybe the Doctor just didn’t want to let Missy out of here sight. As a security precaution. Didn’t trust her to b eon her own. Didn’t trust her to be alone in the Tardis even though sh was still bio Lockes to of the controls.</p><p> </p><p>Just a day ago it had all been so different between them. The Doctor had been letting her roam freely inside of the Tardis. Had let her come along on trips. Actually <em>trusted</em> her outside the vault outside the Tardis. But all of that had been <em>before,</em> of course. Before the Doctor had found out about what Missy had done when she had been <em>him</em>. Before the Doctor had found out about Bill. Before she had found out about Gallifrey. Now that would most likely be different. I must have changed how the Doctor viewed her.</p><p> </p><p>It was highly unlikely that she’d still be willing to trust in Missy. She had the right not to trust her anymore.</p><p> </p><p>No. If Missy really thought about it, then that couldn’t be it, could it? Because if that was actually the case, the Doctor would have put here right back into the vault, wouldn’t she? Maybe that <em>was</em> the plan. Maybe she’d just gotten Missy into the medical bay, until she was stable enough to move her and to then lock her back up. Truth was she <em>would</em> deserve it.</p><p> </p><p>After all the Doctor now knew about Gallifrey now.</p><p> </p><p>Knew what the Master had done. </p><p> </p><p>She let her gaze glide over the sleeping form of the Doctor next to her. Even in her sleep she didn’t look fully at peace. Not quite relaxed, as she should be in sleep. There was that little crease between her eyebrows, as she was frowning and her eyes moved rapidly behind her eyelids.</p><p> </p><p>Missy wondered if she was having nightmares. Back on Gallifrey, in their youth, the Doctor hadn’t been the one of the both of them prone to having nightmares. That had always been Koschei. So many sleepless nights, the drums waking him and keeping him up. Just so Theta could be there and comfort him. Always there for him. No matter what. No matter when. Both of them always there for the other. The two of them had just worked like that, back then. Nostalgia tightening her hearts, Missy found herself wishing they still would.</p><p> </p><p>When had the Doctor started to have nightmares themselves? Already during the Time War? Or after he’d destroyed Gallifrey to end the war? Or even before that? After his first Time being forced to regenerate? And what were her nightmares about right now? The Time War? Gallifrey? Or Maybe… about the Master. <em>About Missy.</em></p><p> </p><p>She didn’t like that thought. It would bee all to justified, though.</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor stirred in her sleep, furrowing her brows even more and then slowly her eyes fluttered open. It took her a few second to wake up completely, slowly blinking away the sleep. Still not quite having arrived I reality, a soft smile formed on her lips.</p><p> </p><p>„Hey.“ She yawned at Missy. „You’re awake.“</p><p> </p><p>„Looks like it.“ Missy rasped. Everything still hurt, including her throat. It hurt to move her jaw, it hurt using her vocal cords, it hurt just <em>thinking</em> of the words she wanted to say.</p><p> </p><p>„Mmmm.“ the Doctor yawned softly, rubbing her eyes. „Sorry bout that. I didn’t want to be asleep when you woke up. Guess I just dosed off.“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor yawned again and Missy felt justified to think that it was the most adorable thing she’d ever witnessed. When the Doctor rubbed the sleep from her eyes again, Missy’s attention shifted to the dark heavy circles under her eyes. Then she noticed how awfully pale she was. The Doctor looked, as if she hadn’t gotten sleep in <em>days</em>. Maybe even <em>weeks</em>. No wonder she hadn’t been able to stay awake to wait for Missy to come back to consciousness. It was a wonder she’d woken up at all and not just slept straight through the next few weeks. The way she looked at the moment, that would probably be the best idea.</p><p>
  
</p><p>„You look quite awful, by the way, my dear.“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor just snorted at that. „Thanks. You don’t look so good yourself. You’re welcome for the rescue by the way. Anyway. How are you feeling?“</p><p> </p><p>„Absolutely horrible. Everything hurts. I hate it!“</p><p> </p><p>„No wonder you’re so cranky. You’ll probably be sore for a few more days I’m afraid. Not much I can do about that. You got shot after all. But you probably deserved it.“ The Doctor laughed.</p><p> </p><p>„Probably. Yes. Seems about right.“</p><p> </p><p>She did deserve it. After all she herself had been the one to initiate the backstabbing. And not just because of that. She definitely deserved it after what her past self had done to the Doctor. So yes. The Doctor was right she probably did deserve it.</p><p> </p><p>Why was the Doctor looking so shocked at her, then? She’d just said the truth, after all.</p><p> </p><p>„I…I didn’t mean it like…I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. Bad joke. Of course you didn’t deserve it. You nearly died.“</p><p> </p><p><em>Yes, you probably did mean it.</em> A bitter part deep down inside of Missy thought. <em>And you were right</em>. Oh, how the Doctor must hate her. After <em>all</em> she’d done to her. This version of the Doctor had just lived through it all. Missy had spent so much time trying to convince the Doctor that she was <em>trying</em>, that she wanted to be his friend again, that she <em>was</em> worth his trust. So much Time. So much time trying to heal, what had once been between them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>So much time.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>But everything that may have healed, if they'd just have had a little more time, must be broken again. The wounds having reopened. It must all have resurfaced for the Doctor, all the pain and hurt and betrayal between them, and how could she ever trust Missy again now. After Bill. After Gallifrey. No. It was utterly impossible for the Doctor to still trust her. To still <em>actually</em> care for her.</p><p> </p><p>There was this horrible little idea growing inside Missy’s mind that maybe, just <em>maybe</em>, the Doctor finally decided that this time there was no forgiveness left to give. That this time, she’d take a different route and maybe this time she’d choose revenge. Maybe she would be calling it justice. Deep down she does known that, that just wouldn’t be very… well <em>very doctor</em> of the Doctor, but she can’t stop herself from thinking of the <em>possibility</em> and realizing just how vulnerable she is at the moment. After all she still can barely <em>move</em>.</p><p> </p><p>„I’m sorry.“ the Doctor said instead, her voice unbelievably soft.</p><p> </p><p>„No need to apologize really. You were only telling the truth. I brought this onto myself, my dear. You don’t need to apologize for anything.“ Missy tried to keep her emotions out of her voice, as much as she could, but even she realized, she was doing an awful job at it.</p><p> </p><p>„No but I do! Really. I am so sorry, that was an awful thing to say. I didn’t think. I’m just…I’m really not good with this…and…“ She looked down on her hands, avoiding eye contact. „I’m glad you’re here.“</p><p> </p><p>Missy could do nothing more for a few moment, but stare and think. Everything was still unbelievably painful and her thinking wasn’t as fast as she’d liked it to be, but it was getting better the more she did it.</p><p> </p><p><em>I’m glad you’re here</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Really, that wasn’t what Missy had been expecting from that at all. What <em>had</em> she expected then? A bit of screaming maybe. Accusation most definitely. Maybe even a bit of disappointed crying. But the Doctor was doing none of these things. Instead she was <em>smiling.</em> How was the Doctor not absolutely furious? How was she not monologuing about trust and morals and whatnot, yet?</p><p> </p><p>„What happened back there?“ The Doctor asked her, when the silence between them started to stretch on for too long.</p><p> </p><p>„You mean you don’t know?“</p><p> </p><p>„No. I mean… yes. I know a bit. But past you wasn’t really too informative, the last time I met him.“</p><p> </p><p>„Oh yes. I remember. I think he may have been in a bit of a rush, then.“</p><p> </p><p>„So…what then. What happened exactly? I mean he told me you basically stabbed each other in the back? What happened? I mean what…what exactly-“</p><p> </p><p>„I stabbed him. I knew he wouldn’t let me do what I needed to do, so I stabbed him in the back. And well you know me. I reacted the way I usually react to someone stabbing me in the back. I kindly returned the favor.“</p><p> </p><p>„What do you mean by-“ the Doctor frowned. „What do you mean, he wouldn’t let you do what you needed to do? You were working together. You <em>willingly</em> went with him You <em>both</em> left me. Together. What didn’t he want you to do?“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor sounded genuinely confused ,the small crease between her eyebrows was back as she frowned. As if she truly couldn’t fully comprehend the words, Missy had just spoken. She was just staring expectantly up at Missy her eyebrows turning into an even stronger frown, so extreme, that for a moment missy actually worries for them, because they seem to be attempting to reverse themselves back into the attack eyebrows the grumpy old scotsman version was sprouting. Missy has the sudden urge to poke her face, to smooth out all the frowning lines.</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t know what she was supposed to answer to the Doctors question. It all just seemed to be so obvious? Because obviously her old version wouldn’t have let it pass, that she decided to stand <em>with</em> the Doctor. Surely, even the Doctor had to understand, that he would have had a problem with that. She did know both of them after them. But then it hit her. The thought was sudden and terrifying but it explained so much about the Doctors questions.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The Doctor didn’t know.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor didn’t know, that Missy had decided to stand with him. It was a thought that was a lot to take in. It meant, all this time, even before <em>he</em> showed up again. Even before everything had happened. Before he showed up as O and before Gallifrey and the Cyber Masters, even before all that the Doctor must have thought Missy had betrayed her. All this time spent thinking that she’d failed with Missy. It was a sad and scary thing to imagine.</p><p> </p><p>„I was going to come back.“ she said and her words filled the silence. „I was going to come back and stand with you.“</p><p> </p><p>„<em>What</em>.“ Barely more of a whisper, hurt and fragile. The Doctor eyes were wide and full ofdisbelieve. Missy could almost see the gears in her head turning, trying to work out what she’d just been told.</p><p> </p><p>„I thought you knew.“ Missy said.</p><p> </p><p>„I…No…No I…I didn’t. I-“</p><p> </p><p>Trying to get the words out the Doctors voice got quieter and quieter, till she gave up and stopped. Her eyes seemed unable to focus on on a specific spot and her gaze flickered through the room from Missys face back to the lines running over the monitor of the life support systems, to light on the ceiling of the med bay down to her own hands and then back to Missy again. She’d held them relatively calm in her lap during their conversation so far, but now she was nervously fiddling with the hem of her coat, her other hand clenching and unclenching on her leg.</p><p> </p><p>There was something in the Doctors gaze she hadn’t seen there before. Some kind of wondrous excitement and relief, but still lined with carefulness and uncertainty. Missy didn’t know what to make of it. Didn’t know where this was suddenly coming from.</p><p> </p><p>„I showed you the blade. When I went, I showed you the bade. That was meant to be a promise. The promise that I would come back. How could you not have known?“</p><p> </p><p>„Uhhhh I kind of thought it was a warning? Actually I thought you were threatening me?“</p><p> </p><p>„My dear, sometimes you really can be quite daft. I mean <em>please</em>. Why did you think<em> that</em>?“</p><p> </p><p>„I guess- I- Well I don’t really know. Guess I didn’t think too much about it? Again I’m sorry“</p><p> </p><p>„You really should use that brain of yours more often. It’s still there, yes?“ The Doctor frowned and pouted at that.</p><p> </p><p>„Well you shouldn’t be so cryptic all the time then! Especially when you’re trying to convey important information!“</p><p> </p><p>„You’re one to talk, dear, really! Now you’re really being quite the hypocrite. You behave cryptic just as much as I do. Don’t even try to deny it. You enjoy it.“</p><p> </p><p>The doctor just grumbled something that wasn’t quite audible, instead of giving an actual answer. Missy thought her silence was answer enough. Small victories.</p><p> </p><p>„But no, really. You didn’t know? Nothing of what exactly happened?“</p><p> </p><p>„No- really I thought you’d left me. And then when you came back…when you showed up as O- I thought. I thought well… thought you showing back up as him…not…well…I thought that you had betrayed me.“</p><p> </p><p>Yes now Missy was remembering something the Doctor had said on their last meeting on Gallifrey. She had forgotten about it or at least not remembered it, just like everything else concerning certain parts of her time line. Something the Doctor had said to the Master, after he had told telling her about Missy on Gallifrey.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I thought you were after.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Those had been the Doctors words hadn’t they? After the Master had told her that he was going to regenerate into Missy. He’d told her and what had the Doctors reaction been to it? She’d been absolutely out of it, hadn’t she? Had seemed to not be really listening anymore. <em>I thought you were after. Of course. </em>The Doctor had gotten the order of her regenerations all wrong. That explained a lot of things actually.</p><p> </p><p>„Why would you ever think that everything with O was <em>after</em> me? I must say, I feel seriously offended, my dear. I'm much more fabulous now than I was back then, I really thought it was quite obvious.“</p><p> </p><p>„You’re right.“ The Doctor nodded in agreement. „I should have known. I shouldn’t have assumed-“</p><p> </p><p>The look on the Doctors face was oddly ashamed and filled with guild and Missy was catching herself thinking that that kind of expression had no business being there. It didn’t look quite right on the Doctor. In her past she probably would have enjoyed a guilt plagued doctor, but this time around it felt wrong.</p><p> </p><p>„Well anyway. I’m really glad I was wrong.“ The Doctor continued giving her a small smile. Missy took it for what it was. A peace offering.</p><p> </p><p>„By the way!“ The Doctor exclaimed and the mood somehow felt a little lighter, through her more cheerful tone. „The old You was really offended, too. By me thinking <em>he</em> was after <em>you, </em>I mean. I'm not sure if you remember. You were pretty out of it, before and the jumbled timelines probably didn’t make it any better.“</p><p> </p><p>Her smile seemed a lot more like an actual smile now. It didn’t quite reach the Doctors eyes yet, but there was genuine happiness and relief in it as she grinned up at Missy and shook her head, before she looked down on her hands again, turning away from Missy gaze, that was still fixed on her. Missy allowed herself a little smile. That much she could do. And the bitterness and tenseness of the mood slowly seemed to dissolve. That was a big relief.</p><p> </p><p>„Ah yes. I remember being quite offended by that. It’s all still a bit hazy but its getting clearer.“</p><p> </p><p>It <em>was </em>getting clearer. Time was settling around them as both of them settled in their proper place in their time lines again. It felt as if pressure had been lifted from her brain and her thoughts could finally start to flow properly again, as the parts of her memories that had been muted and clouded became clearer and more defined. Settling inside her mind.</p><p> </p><p>„Sooo what exactly happened? You shot yourself and he regenerated into… into your O-version?“</p><p> </p><p>„Exactly, my dear. He thought he’d regenerate into me, when he was dying. And I think, in that moment, I thought so myself. But he obviously <em>didn’t</em> regenerate into <em>me</em>. Which we can only pity him for, really. He would have been off a lot better.“</p><p> </p><p>Missy laughed but it sounded a little bitter and pressed and when she continued talking her voice sounded distant.</p><p> </p><p>„When he was dying, when he was regenerating…he was so full of hate. And then he realized it wasn’t his time to be <em>me</em> yet and he took full advantage of that. On last chance to <em>burn</em>. To burn as much as possible.“</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t mention Gallifrey and neither did the Doctor, but the word was hanging in the air between them so clearly, that she didn’t need to. The Doctor looked down on her hands and Missy could see that she was trying to hide the pain from her. Oh, how the Doctor must hate her right now. The loss still so fresh.Missy wanted to hold her and hug her and tell her that she was sorry, so unbelievably sorry and that please she still was Missy, the Missy the Doctor knew and she was still her changed self, even though for the Doctor that was all in the past.</p><p> </p><p>If she could just have her friend back, she thought, it would all be alright again. They had been so <em>close</em>. So close to putting all the broken pieces of their relationship back together and then <em>he </em>had broken everything apart again and Missy was so unbelievably angry at her past self. Lying here unable to reach out and unable to alleviate her <em>best friends</em> pain. And the Doctor <em>was</em> in pain. Missy could see it all over her face and in her posture. Pain that she himself had inflicted, as she reminded herself.</p><p> </p><p>It made everything so much more complicated and Missy just wished that it wasn’t. Everything between them just was so horribly complicated all the time. <em>A friendship older than your civilization and infinitely more complex. </em>Hadn’t that been her own words? She had prided herself in it. In the fact that none of all those silly little humans would ever be capable to understand what the Doctor and she had. But she now she wasn’t so sure if she still felt the same way about it. Because at the moment she wasn’t so sure she even still understood <em>herself </em>and now she just wished, that it would be easy between them. Just for once. Just <em>easy</em>.</p><p> </p><p>„For what it’s worth.“ She began and almost apologized, but the words got stuck in her throat. „I really missed you too, my dear.“ She said instead, because it was just as true. It was the best she could manage, at the moment at least.</p><p> </p><p>„I wish I’d have gotten my chance to stand with you. I really do.“</p><p> </p><p>„Me too“ the Doctor whispered as she took Missys hand in her own, holing her tight.</p><p> </p><p>There were still so many unsaid things between them. So many things they weren’t ready to talk about yet, but this was a start. It was a promise. That they would <em>try</em> at least. That it wasn’t all doneand over between them and that maybe not everything would remain broken.</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Whoops, sorry it took so long to get this one out! xD<br/>The next chapter is going to be done much faster. I'm nearly finished already. ;)</p><p>Hope you enjoyed this one ;) </p><p> </p><p>(Also Happy Easter if that's something you celebrate ;) &lt;3&lt;3&lt;3)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is a really long chapter whohooo hope you like it ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>Missys words replayed in the back of her mind over and over again. The Doctor hadn’t even though about the possibility so far, that Missy had actually always meant to come back. She had been so convinced that on that day she had decided to leave her behind. Had chosen her old self over the Doctor. Over their friendship. And even after she’d learn about the actual order of the Masters regenerations, she hadn’t thought…hadn’t even thought that maybe, Missy hadn’t betrayed her <em>at all</em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I was going to come back.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>When she’d heard her say those six words, she hadn’t known how to rect. It changed so much. It meant there hadn’t even been a real step back. Missy was still the woman who had cried in from of her, begging for the Doctor to just be her friend again, begging to give their friendship another chance. She was still the Missy who had promised to <em>ty</em> and actually listen to the Doctor, to try and become a better person. For them. For their friendship.</p><p> </p><p>There was so much relief. She felt so unbelievably relieved, like for the first time in months she could actually breathe normally again. And there was definitely joy and hopefulness she felt at the possibility to have Missy back, just the way she’d been.</p><p> </p><p>But then there also was the anger. So much anger. Not at Missy. None of this situation was her fault, not really. She had really just been trying to do, what she’d thought was right and in her mind the only way to achieve that goal, was stabbing her old self in the back. Of course the Doctor wished Missy would have just stayed with her and let the Master go, instead of going after him to stab him in the back. Wished Missy wouldn’t have thought, she had to do what she did. Wished it wouldn’t even have been a possibility to consider. But it had happened. And Missy had done, what she had thought was the only way.</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor couldn’t really be mad at her for that. Truth is she doesn’t really know who she’s angry at, who the fury she’s feeling inside is directed to. Maybe the old version of the Master who had shot Missy, the version of him that was just so unbelievably stubborn, never even wanting to just <em>listen</em> to the Doctor. And of course she is also angry at the version of Master, that pretended to be O. Is so mad at him for so many reasons, for Gallifrey, for the Cyber-masters and for so much more. So much anger. She wished it would just go away.</p><p> </p><p>But as angry as she was at <em>him</em>, she also knew that this situation, for once isn’t his fault. That didn’t maker her feel much better.</p><p> </p><p>When she’s thinking about it now, he <em>had </em>after all always made it pretty obvious that he came <em>before</em> Missy. Or at least there hadn’t been <em>any</em> indication that it had been any other way. No indication that he was following in Missys footsteps. All of that <em>the Doctors</em> own fault really. She had just <em>assumed</em>, like the idiot that she was, and really it <em>was</em> her own fault that it had all gone this way. If she’d just paid more attention, she could have known about Missy much much sooner. Could have had her by her side so much earlier. They could have had so much more time together. The Doctors hearts ache. There was so much anger inside of her. And so much of it was directed at herself.</p><p> </p><p>All the things that could have been, if she’d just not been so <em>unobservant</em>.</p><p> </p><p>The things they could have done. It could all have gone so much differently.</p><p> </p><p>But what’s happened, happened and there was no changing it now. For the moment she was just glad that she finally had Missy back. After all she’d thought she was lost and gone for good and being wrong about <em>that</em> was a very good thing after all. So for now she was just trying to focus on the positive side of it all and not to dwell too much in the past. Just trying to be glad that Missy was back.</p><p> </p><p>Their conversation couldn’t have taken much longer than a few minutes but Missy was already starting to look much worse. The talking was clearly exhausting her, her voice rough and quiet and even though she was clearly trying to hide it, the Doctor could hear the pain in her voice.</p><p>So she tried to keep it short. Tried no to stretch the conversation out too much. It was good for Missy to actually be conscious again for a little while, just keeping her brain active for a little, even though it was probably hard, but she also shouldn’t over do it.</p><p> </p><p>For the next few days she would also need a lot of rest and actual sleep and the Doctor didn’t want to keep her up for too long. So she just asked her about the most important things, the stuff that she just needed to know <em>now</em>, to be finally able to calm down her mind a little bit. There was more she wanted to talk about with Missy, more she <em>needed</em> to talk about, but she kept it to herself. For now at least.</p><p> </p><p>When Missy then told her, how she regretted not having had the chance to stand with her and the Doctor whispers back <em>me too </em>and Missy already looks so tired, she doesn’t keep the conversation going.</p><p> </p><p>Instead she tucked Missy back in properly, brushed her hair back and waited until she fell asleep again. It doesn’t take too long, just a few seconds after her eyes flutter shut and then a few moments later she was back asleep. The Doctor stayed up waiting next to her bed for a few more minutes, just watching the monitor next to Missys bed, listening to her steady breathing, her fingers wrapped around Missy’s holding her hand tightly, feeling her pulse under her own fingers. Then she fell asleep again next to her.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next few days went by in a blur. Missy was barely awake most of the time, slipping in and out of consciousness multiple times the hour. For a long time she was too tired and weak to eat actual food so the Doctor had to keep her nourished through intravenous nutritions. They talked sometimes, on Missys good days they sometimes even talked for hours, but most of the time Missy was too tired to speak and up hold conversations for a longer period of time, the Doctor was still able to see how talking was painful for her.</p><p> </p><p>During all of that time the doctor sits next to her bed, almost never leaving the medical bay at all. And when Missys asleep and she sits in the comfy armchair she moved down here next to Missys bed, she sometimes holds Missys hand, stokes over Missys hair and thinks about how much she missed her.</p><p> </p><p>And now while she was sitting here next to Missys bed, like she’d been doing since she’d started taking care of her, Missy sleeping next to her, breathing in to the darkness and the room, the Doctors fingertips on Missys hair, she thought that she wanted to kiss her. It’s been so so long for them since they kissed properly and the Doctor missed it almost as much as she missed Missy herself.</p><p> </p><p>Back in the Doctors last regeneration if he would have tried to kiss Missy, then she probably would have kissed him back. Missy had made it pretty clear to him back then that she wanted the Doctor back, as her friend, but also as everything else they’d once been. But the Doctor hadn’t been ready for all of that back then. Had needed more time. Then when the Doctor had started to think that he was ready, Missy had left and he had regenerated. And now that she was starting to think that she may be ready for affection between them again, she isn’t sure if thats what Missy wants anymore. Wonders if it took her too long.</p><p> </p><p>She was holding Missys hand as tightly as it was possible without waking her up and quietly started crying, because maybe things would have gone differently. If they both had just found each other sooner, then maybe things would have gone differently. As she was falling asleep next to Missy, still holding her hand, she hoped that wasn’t too late for them.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Slowly but surely Missys health increased, after a few days she was able to eat liquid food by her own, soon after switching to solid foods and after almost two weeks, she was finally able to start starting to moving around the Tardis a little bit. She was still too weak to actually walk on her own, but with the Doctors help she was able to make it to the kitchen, where both of them ate together most of their time now, and then back to the med bay again. They both settled into their routine and somehow it was really nice. Just feeling peaceful and quiet and overall just <em>nice</em>. Even though it was driving the doctor insane that they haven’t had a proper talk in days the glad for what they have at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>And it wasn’t as though they didn’t talk about things at all. The just didn’t seem to talk about the important things. Both of them were trying everything in both their powers to actively avoid themes that could trigger a fight between them. Neither of them mentioning themes revolving around things like Gallifrey and the Master or <em>anything</em> really that had to do with feelings. It was itching underneath both of their skin to address them, but neither of them seemed to have the courage to do so.</p><p> </p><p>And it was still nice, this thing they had now. The days just seemed so peaceful like this and neither the Doctor nor Missy wanted to destroy the fragile bond that was slowly growing between them. Both of them too scared to speak out about what was on their minds. The Doctor tried not to think about it too much and most if the time she was succeeding. <em>Most of time</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>A few days later both of them were sitting in the Tardis control room. Missy was lying on a couch, the Doctor moved there from the library, staring with a sour look up at the orange crystals of the ceiling. The Doctor was sitting legs crossed on the floor next to the console. One of the floor panels was pulled to the side to reveal a cable tangle, the Doctor was currently tinkering with, replugging cables and wires in a way that made Missys eyes hurt.</p><p> </p><p>„What, <em>by the Other</em>, are you trying to do, dear?“ Missy asked her interrupting the Doctors tinkering, because she was bored and really what <em>was</em> the Doctor trying to do? It looked as if she was trying to destroy the underfloor heating systems. Which <em>should</em> be a crime. The Doctor obviously needed to be stopped.</p><p> </p><p>„I’m trying to get the Tardis to change her light settings for the crystals.“ Frowning the Doctor looked up at the soft yellow glow, blowing a strand of blonde hair out of her face. „I want it more orange, but she’s been fussy all week and isn’t doing what I’m telling her.“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor tried pulling on one of the cables and Missy cringed.</p><p> </p><p>„It’s the red one, my dear, not the purple one. I love the underfloor heating very much, <em>please</em>, do try to keep it intact.“</p><p> </p><p>For a moment the Doctor stared down at the cable in her hand then after a moment she let go and tried pulling on the one Missy had told suggested. It seemed to have the wanted effect. „Oh you were right. Thank you.“ The doctor replugged the cable and then the whirring of her sonic sounded through the silence.</p><p> </p><p>„She’s still not doing what I put the setting to.“</p><p> </p><p>„Well maybe she’s just being grumpy again, my dear, like you said. Or <em>maybe</em> you just plugged the cable in the wrong way.“</p><p> </p><p>„I’m pretty sure I did it right! Maybe she <em>is</em> just being fussy.“ The Doctor sighed and closed the floor panel again wiping her hands on her trousers. Then she turned back to Missy. „Maybe she’s still mad because you haven’t said <em>thank you</em> properly, yet.“ The Doctor was now standing in front of Missy, staring down at her with a frown on her face, her hands resting on her hips.</p><p> </p><p>„What? I <em>did </em>say thank you.“</p><p> </p><p>„Yes, but it was obviously sarcastic. Thank her properly! Right now. So that we can have nice light in her.“ The doctor demanded and Missy sighted in defeat. Achingly she sad up a little bit and looked back up at the ceiling.</p><p> </p><p>„it is nice already“</p><p> </p><p>„Missy!“</p><p> </p><p>„Sure sure. Don’t get your knickers in twist, my dear.“ Missy held up her hands in a defensive gesture, as the Doctor continued scowling at her.</p><p> </p><p>„I’m very glad that you helped the Doctor to save me. Thank you, Sexy!“ She finished the sentence with a wink and the Doctor gasped, as the Tardis hummed in appreciation.</p><p> </p><p>„You know her secret name!“ She exclaimed. „How do you know about that?“</p><p> </p><p>„Well, the Tardis told me, of course, my dear. You know. Girl talk. You were always far too embarrassed to tell me. Which really is really quite rude, actually. Never even acquainted us properly.“</p><p>Missy grinned up at the Doctor smugly, as she shifted on the couch and picked up one the books lying to her feet on the couch. „Now try your light settings again. If it’s still not working you rewired it the wrong way.“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctors face flushed red a little bit and grumbling to herself she turned around and walked back over to the console. Slowly she flicked one of the the switches looking up at the glowing crystals expectantly. Nothing happened. Her brows furrowed, she flipped the flip again a few more times just to be sure.</p><p> </p><p>„Well.“ Missy called over from her place on the couch, her voice dripping with smugness. „I think my dear, you need to replug the cables one more time.“</p><p> </p><p>„Shut up.“ The Doctor grumbled, as she opened the floor panel one more time, while Missy went back to reading her book, softly chuckling behind the pages.</p><p> </p><p>Half an hour later the Doctor has finally managed to plug the cables back in properly and when she flicked the switch this time the lights of the crystals dimmed down turning a darker orange and immediately the Doctor realized that she actually liked it a lot better, the way it had been before. Huffing she let herself fall onto the couch next to Missy, who ignored her and kept reading her book. Well, mostly ignored her. She shifted slightly to make room for the Doctor next to her, but that was something she didn’t need to know and gladly didn’t notice.</p><p> </p><p>Another hour later the Doctor has to repair the system for the Tardis underfloor heating and just as she was aboutto complete what she had been doing, Missy slammed her book down and sat up so fast the Doctor for a moment was seriously worried for her circulatory system.</p><p> </p><p>„I’m bored“ She stated instead of passing out, though and threw her book into one of the corners.</p><p> </p><p>„I’ve read all of your interesting books -which don’t make up a very high percentage of you library by the way- at least twice and now I’m bored. Also I’m still missing that pony you promised me!“</p><p> </p><p>„We could watch a movie if you want.“</p><p> </p><p>„Uh no! You are just gonna try and make me watch the lion king. Never doing that again.“</p><p> </p><p>Offended the Doctor gasped at that and ripped out the wrong cable. There. Now Missy would have to life without underfloor heating. Would have to see for herself, what she was going to do about it. For a moment she prepared herself mentally for another hour of a bored missy nagging at her but then, she had an idea.</p><p> </p><p>„I know something we could do.“</p><p> </p><p>„Oh yes?“ Missy sat up looking interested. That was a start.</p><p> </p><p>„Yes! We’re gonna take a trip! Not far, it’s just a jump a few galaxies over. I’ve always wanted to go.“</p><p> </p><p>„I can’t go on trip with you, my dear. I can barely manage the walk up here. Without your help it’s completely impossible. And leaving the Tardis with you guarantees that there will be running at some point.“</p><p> </p><p>„Trust me with this.“ Doctor just grinned and ran over to the console. Missy watched her with suspicion, as the Doctor typed in coordinate, she couldn’t see from her position at the couch. Still grinning the doctor reappeared behind one of the columns and with and exited jump she pulled down the leaver. The Tardis engines groaned to life and with wheezing sound they were catapulted through the vortex.</p><p> </p><p>„You still have your breaks on, my dear. Really you’re driving i still atrocious.“ Missy chided her, but before she could continue the Tardis came to a halt, having reached its destination.</p><p> </p><p>„So then. Where are we. And how do you imagine this working, exactly?“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor rushed over to her offering her her hand, to help her up.</p><p> </p><p>„Just sit down in from of the Tardis doors, okay. We don’t even need to go outside for this. Just sit down. And look outside. No running for you today.“</p><p> </p><p>„I guess I can manage that“ Missy gave in and reached out to the Doctors hand, letting the Doctor help her up from the couch. The Doctor lead her from the couch over to the entrance area of the trades, two pillows, form the couch, under her free arm. She put them both in from of the Tardis doors and helped Missy sit down on one of them, before she let herself fall onto the other one next to her.</p><p> </p><p>When both of them had settled down, the Doctor snapped her fingers and the Tardis doors swung open to the outside, revealing the view. They were in mid flight, just floating in the depth of space and beneath them the most beautiful nebula, Missy had ever seen, stretched out, as far as the eye could see. Dark vibrant shades of purple swirlingthrough the endlessness.</p><p>Missy has seen her fair share of nebulas in her time, so many she has lost count after a while, but this one is definitely one of the most beautiful ones she has ever seen. One of the biggest ones too.</p><p> </p><p>This also probably was the first time she really bothered to look. To actually just see the beauty of it. In all her years before, it had never been about that. It had always been about the Doctor or world domination or just simply burning a few planets. That had always been, what let her to places like this, and she’d never bothered to actually<em> look</em>. She does now. It’s nice.</p><p> </p><p>„Beautiful isn’t its“ the Doctor besides her whispered and Missy teared her eyes away from the swirling colors under them to look at her. <em>Beautiful</em>. It wasn’t just the nebula, she thought was beautiful. The Doctor really was too. Missy had noticed it before, of course, but she had never really allowed herself to let her gaze linger. Now she did. And she thought the Doctor was unbelievably pretty this time around.</p><p> </p><p>Missy always thinks the Doctor to be attractive no matter what form they currently were walking around in, but she still could appreciate it, if they looked particularly attractive. An apparently this time around she not only has a thing for old Scottish guys, but also <em>really</em> for tiny blondes, with too much energy than what was good for them. A stand of blond hair had fallen loose and Missy wanted to tuck it back behind the Doctors ear. And then she wanted to slam her back against the Tardis doorframe, kiss her and never stop. She didn’t.</p><p> </p><p>Because she also was thinking that the Doctor probably wouldn’t appreciate it. She’d been so close to having all of that with the Doctor. So close. Before the Master had come in-between them. Once she’d thought she had an actual chance to get her Doctor back. Get her back properly. As a friend. As a lover. Her other piece really. But now that the Doctor, has been through Gallifrey and all of it, she isn’t sure that that is still a possibility.</p><p> </p><p>They had been pretty civil with each other these last few weeks, but the tension between them still there, just underneath the everyday friendly conversation and the banter. They’ve been tiptoeing around certain topics for a while now and neither of them really seemed to be willing to bring attention to any of it. Missy wanted to just talk with her so badly, but she was also too scared to destroy this peacefulness they had found themselves in.</p><p> </p><p>„It is. It really, really is“ She said finally, when the silence between them began to stretch on for too long, but she wasn’t really looking at the nebula. Instead her gaze was fixed on the Doctor. Her eyes met Missys and then almost immediately she looked away as a blush up crept up on her cheeks. But the sheepish grin that followed didn’t escape Missys eyes. Thereswas so much on her mind she wanted to address, but instead she kept quiet.</p><p> </p><p>„The Gingepra nebula. Billions of stars. Probably the largest nebula this side of the universe. And one of the most beautiful ones. You’ve ever visited it before?“</p><p> </p><p>„No.“ She shook her head. „Cant say I have. I think I’ve been on a few of the planets around here, but I’ve never seen it from up here. Never bothered to look for things like that.“</p><p> </p><p>„I guess you wouldn’t.“</p><p> </p><p>For a moment the Doctor looked a shamed of her own words. But Missy didn’t bother to talk back to her about it. Because she <em>was</em> right. Missy had never been the type to just fly through the universe to visit pretty constellations and look at them from afar. That has always been more of a Doctor thing. And it wasn’t that Missy couldn’t appreciate the beauty of the universe. She just rarely bothered to look and there had always been more important matters. At least she’d always thought them to be more important. World domination and genocide. Things like that. She’d always been more likely to burn a star or planet than to admire its beauty.</p><p> </p><p>But that was one of the things the Doctor had been trying to teach her over the past years. And slowly but surely Missy had begun to understand. She just hoped it wasn’t too late now. But yes, the Doctor was right. This <em>wasn’t</em> very her. So she didn’t answer the Doctor, and instead waited for her to speak again. It took a while before the silence was broken again. </p><p> </p><p>„I was going to visit here. With you. Back <em>then,</em> I mean.“ The Doctor seemed to be gathering her thoughts for a moment and stared out at the glimmering stars in the dust, wrapping her coat tighter around herself before she continued. „When we promised each other leave together, travel the universe together. I wanted to bring you here first. I had only read about it. But I had heard it was beautiful. And I wanted to go see it with you.“</p><p> </p><p>When she teared her gaze away from the nebula and turned her gaze back to Missy her eyes were glassy and teary. Missy remained silent, shifting her gaze to the outside. Now she understood. She got how much this actually meant to the Doctor and she now got the offer that was lying behind her actions. Behind bringing Missy here. It was the offer of a new beginning. A new kind of friendship between the both of them.</p><p> </p><p>Missy reached out to the Doctor and wiped off the tears that were rolling down her face away with her thumb. And then she took the Doctors hands into her own holding them tightly, the Doctor clothing them just as tight, obviously trying to stop the tears.</p><p> </p><p>„I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry. It’s just- I…“</p><p> </p><p>„Shhh, it’s okay. You were going to take me here? If we would have left together?“ Missy dared to ask, her voice quiet and rough. The Doctor nodded and Missy could feel her hands shaking.</p><p> </p><p>„I’m sure I would have loved it. I do love it right now. And I’m really glad that you took me now. I’m sorry we didn’t get to see it sooner.“ <em>I’m sorry it took us so long</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Missy tugged the strand of bond hair behind the Doctors ear and the pulled her closer against her into a hug. They both stayed like that for a while, with the Doctors head pressed against Missys chest and with Missy resting her head on the the Doctors shoulder, while softly ran her hand over her back. Her other hand was still holding her hand and she was breathing in the Doctors smell of chamomile and mechanical oil. After a short while the Doctors breaths evened out again.</p><p> </p><p>„Why did you do it?“ The words, even though spoken unbelievably quietly against Missys neck, cut through the silence like a knife.</p><p> </p><p>„Do what?“ Missys throat was suddenly feeling very dry..</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor peeled herself free from the hug and leaned back against the Tardis door frame, away from Missy. Her fingers twitched as she had to keep herself from holding the Doctor back.</p><p> </p><p>„Why did you burn Gallifrey?“ It was what they had both been tiptoeing around the last few days. „Why did you do it? <em>Really</em> I mean. You told me lots of things back then, when I asked you, but I think most of it was wrong. Or at least it wasn’t the whole truth. I want to hear it from you again. Now when you are not…insane or…whatever you’d call it. Thinking clearly. I’m sorry, but I need to hear it from you.“</p><p>„Of course. You deserve to hear it.“</p><p> </p><p>„So? Tell me what happened. Your perspective.“</p><p> </p><p>„Yes. Of course. Well there were a lot of different reasons. Part of what I told you back then <em>was</em> true. I just couldn’t bear the though of you being better. Of you being more than me.“</p><p> </p><p>It still hurt. Deep down. But she was thinking a lot clearer now than she had all that time ago, but there still was a part of her that heard the Doctors words like echoes in her ears. The words the Doctor had said to the Master as she’d been holding the trigger for the death particle. After she had found out about the truth.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I am so much more than you.</em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>It had been exactly what she had been afraid of in that moment. And with saying that sentence the Doctor had confirmed all of his deepest fears. It had broken him. Even more than he’d already been.</p><p> </p><p>Her fears that the Doctor was too good for her now. That everything they’d both had ever been together was now invalid. Unimportant in the face of the revelation of the Doctors true identity. That the Master from now on wouldn’t matter to the Doctor anymore. The thought of being insignificant. It had been <em>unbearable</em>.</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor seemed to sense Missys distress and she carefully took Missys hand into her own andsqueezed it gently.</p><p> </p><p>„You were never less than me, Missy. Not now and not before.“</p><p> </p><p>Missy nodded, but she still wasn’t quite sure that she was hearing what the Doctor was actually telling her. Over the years the thought had solidified inside her mind too much to just shake it off after one simple comment by the Doctor. Although the thought certainly wasn’t as painful anymore as it had been when she’d first found out. She had managed to make her peace with it, more or less.</p><p> </p><p>„Missy listen to me.“ The Doctor scooted closer gripping her hand tighter. „I know you think this whole thing about my past somehow invalidates <em>our </em>past<em>,</em> our history together. <em>Our friendship.</em>“ She tooK a deep breath. „It doesn’t. It doesn’t change anything. I don’t remember anything from before anyway, so it does not matter. It does <em>not</em> change anything about who I am. Who I’ve always been since I’ve started this life as a little boy at the academy, <em>with you</em>. It does not change who <em>we</em> are. Our shared history, our past. And it certainly does not mean that you are <em>any</em> less than me.“</p><p> </p><p>Missy stared at her in silence, fighting the tears that threatened to escape her eyes. Her gaze flickered out into the endlessness of the nebula and then back to the Doctor.</p><p> </p><p>„Thank you.“ She finally managed to answer. „I needed to hear that.“</p><p> </p><p>„I know. I should had told you a lot sooner. I’m sorry that I didn’t“</p><p> </p><p>Silence fell over the both of them again, and they both sat there, like that, not moving or talking, for a few minutes, holding hands, the Doctor patiently waiting until Missy found her voice again. When she spoke up again her voice was strained and rough. Her hand still gripping the Doctors tightly.</p><p> </p><p>„Of course that wasn’t the only reason. I was in a pretty bad state in general. I think it was a result of me stabbing myself. I was so angry. So unbelievably angry at myself and so full of hatred. It was a lot worse than it had ever been before. And I didn’t really know where to go with all that hate. Where to put it. I turned it at myself. At you. At the time lords.</p><p> </p><p>„And it all got so much worse, when I found out about you. It was like I had finally found something to focus all that pent up energy. And anger on. I had been a ticking time bomb already. And when I found <em>that</em> inside the matrix, it was like lighting the fuse. I wasn’t thinking straight. <em>Couldn’t</em> think straight. It was almost worse than the drums. And I know its’ not an excuse for what I did. But it is an explanation.</p><p> </p><p>„Part of what I did…it…it was because I was angry at you for seemingly being better than me. Part of it was…because I think…part of me wanted to do it <em>for</em> you. Revenge. For what they did to you. What they put you through.“</p><p> </p><p>Missy could read on the Doctors face that she had suspected that part already. That this was just confirmation of a horrible thought, she’d carried with her for a while now. Missy should have known. They both had known each other for far too long, to not read between the lines. The Master destroying Gallifrey had been his own twisted version of a love letter and the Doctor had understood. Of course she had understood.</p><p> </p><p>„I’m sorry. I know this- this doesn’t change anything. But I really truly am sorry.“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor was looking down on their interlace hands resting between them, the expression on her face hard to read. She let a few seconds pass by before she answered.</p><p> </p><p>„I know you are. Listen- You don’t need to apologize for all of that anymore. You did that years ago <em>before</em> you decided to try and start over with me. You were executed for everything you did before, and you were locked up in the vault for it for years. And you’ve apologized to me already. You apologized for what you did before and even though I didn’t know what it entailed completely you <em>did</em> apologize. And I’ve seen you try for decades now, to do better.</p><p> </p><p>„It’s just hard for me to- I thought for so long that you burned Gallifrey <em>after </em>all of that happened. I thought you betrayed all the process we made together. Thought you betrayed my trust. But turns out you didn’t.“ The Doctor laughed as she was speaking the last sentence, but there were tears in her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>„I thought for so long that it was all gone between us again. That it was all broken again. But that’s not true. Missy you chose me on that colony ship. You chose to stand with me. And back when I decided to try with you again, I forgave you for everything that you did before. I didn’t know about Gallifrey then. But that doesn’t change anything for me. So I’m saying it again anyway. I forgive you Missy. And I want to try again.“</p><p> </p><p>„You truly mean that?“</p><p> </p><p>„Course I do. We were so close after all. You were so close. Would be a shame to throw that all away just because some jumbled up time line from your past chose to interfere.“</p><p> </p><p>The Doctor now took her other hand into hers and smiled at her. Missy chokingly laughed, but it sounded more like a cry. And oh yes, she realized. There were actual tears. She was crying. It was an odd realization. She let go of one of the Doctors hands to wipe them away but the Doctor was faster. Her thumb softly gliding over Missys cheek taking the tear with it.</p><p> </p><p>„I meant it you know.“ The Doctor said. „When I told you that I missed you. I really, <em>really</em> meant it.“</p><p> </p><p>Missy was afraid that if she tried to speak again, she would start sobbing so she stayed quiet, but nodded slightly, her sight still clouded by tears. Her gaze searched for the Doctors trying to convey everything the other needed to know through her eyes. They held each others hands and leaning against each other they watched the swirling colors beneath them and thought of old promises made to each other under an orange sky. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I can't believe I've already gotten so far with this fic and I'm sad the next chapter is the last one already ahhh<br/>Maybe I'll write a part two afterwards.</p><p>Hope you liked this one ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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